I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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