Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
