Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
