Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
