I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
