You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
