And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
