I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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