I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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