yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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