I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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