Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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