i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
