Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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