Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
