what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize