i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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