like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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