if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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