I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
