Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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