I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
