I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
