I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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