ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
