I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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