I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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