My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
