Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
