i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
