I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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