And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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