i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
