her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
