Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
