Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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