doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
