I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
