took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
areolas are like halos for boobs.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
