youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
