you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
