im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
