In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
