So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
