Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize