Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
