I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
