He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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