I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
