I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
